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Loneliness
By Dr. Denise Fleurant, PsyD, MFT
If you feel lonely, you’re not alone.
Loneliness is a subjective sense of isolation- a feeling of not being able to connect with other people, a sense of being apart. As humans, we feel the need to be with other people. We need to relate to others, to get involved in their lives, to work with them, and to express our emotions around other people. Our social needs are nearly as powerful as our other basic needs, like our needs for food, water, and shelter.
Over the past several decades our culture has changed to the point where loneliness has emerged as a major social and psychological problem. We are a culture that places a premium on individuals. We emphasize the importance of being able to do things on our own. Many people pride themselves on their ability to survive and experience success without having to depend on other people. The down side of this social norm, however, is that many of us feel lonely. We do need other people.
The Effects of Loneliness
Loneliness also has an effect on our thoughts and feelings. When we feel socially isolated, it is more difficult to concentrate and we are more easily distracted by unimportant events. Our self esteem might plummet when we feel lonely. We tend to make small errors into catastrophes. Research has found that chronic feelings of loneliness accelerate the aging process. It has an effect on our stress hormones, immune function, and cardiovascular function, which, over time, are compounded.
Interestingly, research has found that people who feel lonely have as many social contacts as people who don’t feel lonely. And almost everybody has a feeling of being lonely occasionally. Loneliness becomes an issue only when it settles in long enough to create a persistent loop of negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Loneliness emerges from how we think.
Steps to take for ending loneliness:
1. The first place to start is to recognize and fully admit that you are trapped in the loneliness cycle. Look at your thoughts and feelings. Do you feel that you are apart from others? Do you distrust others? Do you feel that there is nobody you can turn to? Do you feel that nobody else shares your interests? Do you feel that other people are around you, but not with you? Do you feel that your relationships with other people are not meaningful? Admitting that you are lonely is difficult. It goes against the way people like to see themselves. But making this admission allows you to finally tackle the problem and start to cultivate meaningful relationships with other people.
2. The next task is to extend yourself out to other people. You might feel that it is dangerous, or even threatening, to start meeting others. So, start small and don’t have great expectations. You need to challenge the idea that meeting other people is unsafe. A few good experiences will go a long way toward breaking the loneliness cycle. Getting a smile from someone else is a good enough start. Get enough of these smiles and you’ll begin to feel that meeting others is not so unsafe. You can begin your experiment by engaging in simple exchanges in a store, the library, or at work. Just saying to someone, “Isn’t it a nice day?” or “I really enjoyed reading that book” is a good way to start, and it can bring a response that makes you feel better. If you get no response at all, don’t worry about it. Maybe the other person is just having a bad day or didn’t hear you. Make an effort to engage in these simple social exchanges a few times a day.
3. Develop an action plan to challenge the loneliness cycle. You are now at a stage where you can begin to challenge the thoughts that have guided you in the past. As you engage in more activities and feel comfortable in being around other people, your old automatic thoughts about being alone will still come into play and you need to be aware of them so that you can replace them with thoughts that lead you to feel positive about socializing.
4. Take a selective approach toward other people. Feeling an intimate connection with other people will break the loneliness cycle. Over time, as you get to know more people, the question of quantity versus quality comes into play. You want good friends who open themselves up to you, disclose bits of their life to you, and instill a sense of trust that they value you and will be there for you.
Breaking the loneliness cycle is both difficult and gratifying. Most
people find it helpful to do this work with a trained therapist who can serve as a source of insight and support. The process can start with a phone call.
Dr. Denise Fleurant, PsyD, MFT
Dr. Denise A. Fleurant, PsyD, MFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist working as a private practitioner in the Newport area. Dr. Fleurant holds an M.A. in Marriage and Family Therapy from Chapman University, a Doctoral degree in Clinical Psychology from American Behavioral Studies Institute in California and a Post-Doctoral degree in Clinical Psychopharmacology from the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology.
Dr. Fleurant is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. She is a certified diplomate of Psychotherapy of the American Psychotherapy Association and Certified Relationship Specialist. Dr. Fleurant is an affiliate member of the Midwest Center for Anxiety and Depression and continually receives advanced training in Marriage and Family issues.
Newport Psychological Services Counseling and Assessment Center has two locations:227 West Main Road in Middletown, RI 02842, and The Polo Center, 680 Aquidneck Avenue, Middletown RI 02842. The office is handicapped accessible. Regular office hours are accommodated with evening and weekend appointments as needed.
Please call (401) 864-1493 for more information or to schedule an appointment.
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