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Where Did the Love Go?
By Dr. Denise Fleurant, PsyD, MFT
Relationship Conflicts: Where Did the Love Go?
Relationships are seldom as simple as we would like. They bring out our needs, anxieties, and conflicts from people from our pasts -- parents, friends, and former partners. When we enter into a relationship we expect to be loved just for being who we are. A relationship should provide a safe zone where our partner values us for expressing our own uniqueness. This is a simple expectation. This is the way most relationships start out. So why does it seem so hard to maintain this ideal, blissful state of unconditional love over time?
Our relationships with our partners are colored by our own personal experiences. We often react to our partner as if they were someone else -- and this will likely cause conflict in the relationship.
How we perceive our partners is influenced by how we learned to deal with other people in the past. This process can go back into early childhood, even to infancy. For example, if our earliest experiences taught us to trust the world, then we are likely to take a trusting attitude toward people throughout our lives. Conversely, if a child is never shown love during the earliest stages of life, it may be a challenge during adulthood to learn how to experience and express love. Bad experiences can create feelings of conflict and frustration, which can cause conflict in relationships later in life. One common problem in most relationships is projection, which means finding in someone else the qualities that you don’t want to accept within yourself. Such as blaming your partner for being controlling when you are the one who has the tendency to want to control.
When couples first get together, they focus on their similarities -- those parts of themselves that are compatible. This is when the intimacy and trust of the relationship are formed. It isn’t until the relationship has matured that the negative projections begin to take shape. This helps to explain why some couples who were so perfect for each other in the beginning start to have conflicts as time goes by.
Understanding the sources of conflict in your relationship is one step towards resolving the differences between you. When we can get the problems out in the open and talk about them objectively, we can often find the solutions.
Here are some suggestions to use as a starting point for figuring out your relationship conflicts:
Look for themes in your relationship conflicts, problems that keep reappearing time and time again. Look at the underlying themes in your arguments.
Have these themes appeared in your other relationships with other people- both with friends and maybe even with other partners in the past?
Can you identify your part in contributing to these themes? Every relationship takes two people and both contribute to the difficulties. (This can be the hardest question to answer since we tend to see the problems as lying within our partner rather than within ourselves.)
What are the positive qualities in your partner that you may have forgotten about as time has gone by? Can you begin to define your partner in those terms again?
What are the negative qualities in your partner that cause conflicts between you? Does your partner agree that these qualities are true? Has your partner changed over time, gradually starting to agree that the negative qualities may be true? Or, conversely, does your partner insist that these negative qualities are not true?
Do you focus mostly on these negative qualities when you think about your partner?
Is there anything from your past (childhood to adulthood) which reminds you of the conflicts between you and your partner?
Does your partner project unresolved conflicts onto you?
This list is a starting point to help resolve any conflicts you may have in your relationship. With a little help and guidance from a professional, you can be on your way to a healthier and better functioning relationship. The process begins with a phone call!
Dr. Denise Fleurant, PsyD, MFT
Dr. Denise A. Fleurant, PsyD, MFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist working as a private practitioner in the Newport area. Dr. Fleurant holds an M.A. in Marriage and Family Therapy from Chapman University, a Doctoral degree in Clinical Psychology from American Behavioral Studies Institute in California and a Post-Doctoral degree in Clinical Psychopharmacology from the Massachusetts School of Professional Psychology.
Dr. Fleurant is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists. She is a certified diplomate of Psychotherapy of the American Psychotherapy Association and Certified Relationship Specialist. Dr. Fleurant is an affiliate member of the Midwest Center for Anxiety and Depression and continually receives advanced training in Marriage and Family issues.
Newport Psychological Services Counseling and Assessment Center is located at 227 West Main Road in Middletown, Rhode Island, 02842. The office is handicapped accessible. Regular office hours are accommodated with evening and weekend appointments as needed.
Please call (401) 864-1493 for more information or to schedule an appointment.
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